Dirty Stops Out – Dj Trev’s guide to how not to write a weekend guide

10 October 2013

Last week I made some changes to how I write this preview, in the hopes that it would save me a bit of time. I also was hoping I’d get some feedback on it from you my loyal readers.

In the end the “new style” of preview actually took about an hour longer to write, and then – it follows naturally – I got exactly no feedback on the new layout. I’m kind of torn between thinking people were following the mantra of “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” and believing that “no news is good news”. Either that or just thinking that no one actually reads this in the first place.

Nevertheless I should be able to take much less time this week now the format is set and so shall throw perfectly good words after bad in the hope that this system grows on you.

If, for some unimaginable reason, you missed last weeks column (perhaps you were too busy taking Dizzee Rascal’s appalling new album back to the shops, to be greeted by the person there saying “I know, you don’t have to explain why you’ve brought it back, it’s just… Awful, isn’t it?”) I am experimenting with writing an introduction highlighting some things I think will be worth checking out, followed by some simple event listings.

The theory being that is you are in a rush, a visitor to the town, or just someone who thinks my writing is worse than people who write things on face book like “Why r kids today so think? Wen I were a kid I no I wassent like kids nowadays. thes idiots r ruinning are country”, you can just skip this bit and go straight to the actual “What’s On” section, as opposed to the “What’s on Trev’s mind this week”.

So here is this week’s Dirty Stop’s Out, exclusive 6 inch edit remix v2.1:

Firstly, there’s some charity things going on at the moment. Since I suspect that helping charity is a top 2 sure fire method of securing a place in heaven (right after threatening someone with an eternity of surfing and damnation in Hell if they don’t start believing that if they don’t believe in heaven they will suffer an eternity of suffering and damnation in hell) I will give the charity listings top billing:

The Alexandra pub continues a month of charitable occurrences, last week they seemed to have people on a cycling machine, I think the theory is they are going to cycle the distance to the moon and back without stopping, or doing things that make cycling more interesting like riding with no hands, pulling skids, bunny-hops and doing wheelies. I don’t know, go in and see what they are up to.

The White Heart has a “Mum’s volunteer’s coffee morning” this Friday which is with the aim of people getting together and asking questions and getting information about giving up some time to volunteer. There’s going to be a load of charities there to answer questions and offer support. Whilst I am not a Mum, I would probably like to go to this. Not because I’m going to volunteer, but because there will be lots of young mums who have time on their hands there. Having just seen a documentary with Robin Askwith called “Confessions of a window cleaner” about what they get up to during the day I frankly fancy my chances. Although I am concerned that eventually the doors of my van might fall off.

The Boroughbridge Social has a “Dart’s Open” in aid of the British heart Foundation this Saturday. Having seen the state of certain darts players I can understand why they would choose that charity, but like it when people get pro-active like that. For example, all the work I do is in aid of “Dj’s who should have got a career when everyone else was doing that, instead of messing around playing records” (apart from when I play actual charity events, which I do because I’m too embarrassed to say “No, really, I’m just a cold dead individual who doesn’t care about anyone apart from himself”).

Speaking of me and my vast amount of selfless charity work, at the end of this month I’m playing an event in Knaresborough called “FrightFest” which is at Henshaws at Bond End. I’d love to pretend that I’m the main attraction but since I’m not even on the posters I suspect I’m about as important as Hook-a-duck is at a fair. In fact someone recently shouted something at me in the street that rhymed with Hook-a-duck. The main event that day is a band called Hawk Eyes. They are an excellent band who have toured with Ginger Wildheart and System of a Down to name the first two artists who came up when I google’d them just now, but I do actually know this band are great, they used to play my night Bottom of the Bottle back in the glory Carrington’s days when they were called the slightly more confusing Chicken Hawk. At Hen-

shaw’s Frightfest there is a MASSIVE line up of supports from Harrogate and Kanaresborough bands, all giving up their time for a good cause. www.facebook.com/events/473144616115534 is the facebook event page which has got the full line up, and details of how to get tickets and that.

Generally I don’t do listings for things in Leeds, however I occasionally make exceptions if it’s a Harrogate artist playing… and this Saturday 12th there are several, playing at The Cockpit in a line up that features 14 (F.O.U.R.T.E.E.N) bands for £15. For people who are not good with numbers I’m pretty sure that works out at less that £2 a band, which is great value. The event is The Full moon Dog festival and is in remembrance of Jay-Jay Winters, who was Front man for Harrogate metal legends Asomvel. This bloke was about as heavy metal as you can get and his friends and band mates have been running this event since his passing to celebrate his life.

www.fullmoondog.com has the full line up plus links to getting tickets, plus videos and loads more.

There is a new bar coming to town under the name of Major Tom’s Social. I think it’s going to be about 6 weeks before they are ready to go, but if you like the sound of a playlist of soul, funk, Dub, reggae, indie, rock n roll, country, new wave, rock, folk , hiphop, electro and other leftfield styles, check out their facebook page to see how things are progressing: www.facebook.com/pages/Major-Toms-Social/471782272917351

I went into Jakes the other day- I do like a good latte and they do do a good latte- and I saw that local music promoters and video channel types On’t Sofa are having a night there this Wednesday. It’s £8 to get in or alternatively you can get a meal and drink plus special acoustic show for £25 which sounds promising. Dan Cook, Jack Flash & Yo Preston provide the evenings entertainment. If you go to youtube there are loads of videos of what the On’t Sofa boys get up to, which, as far as I can work out, seems to involve sitting in a music studio watching really attractive girls be nice and sing songs. This makes my job of playing records to really attractive girls who are drunk and rude seem like a mugs game. www.ontsofa.com is a website.

Before then, this Friday England are playing in what is a VITAL World Cup Qualifier. I say VITAL, it’s only vital if you care whether or not England Qualify for the World Cup. It has no other implications for us, so perhaps VITAL is over stating it, however, I always find pretending to watch football is a good excuse to go to a pub, it’s on ITV so most places will be showing it, and since it’s on ITV you might get lucky and find a place that is playing it without the commentary.

This Saturday the Bilton Working Mens club, arguably the hardest working mens club in the area, have The MG Band playing there. I’ve seen these guys and they are really good fun, doing a good range of Ska & Reggae covers good for partying to. Entry for this is free, which seems like a bargain and the type of event I should take my girlfriend to, as she’s always “forgot to get any cash out”.

I went to The Harlow Inn this week and it was nice, I possibly will be trying to write an actual article about the pub crawl I went on because very little else in my life is worth writing about – however the reason I am mentioning it here is that I saw they have a pub quiz on every Monday. This goes into the weekly listings and if you’ve got an event, anything really, that can pad this column out to two hundred words, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me and I’ll list it.

Last week I got some really good listings from Ashley at the theatre, she is one of my token American friends, unfortunately this week is the run up to her birthday so shes not sent me anything. Not to be perturbed, I am going to try and give some listings in the style of Ashley, as the theatre has loads of stuff on right now as part of their October comedy Festival.

I went this week and saw Alexi Sayle and it was a really good night and this week there’s some even bigger names on. That will be after the full weekly listings – and remember – the rather weak joke I am peddling is that it’s me writing as if I’m Ashley, who is American, and married to Dj Pieman. Which serves her right. Actually, she might be Mexican…. Well, at least she’s not French eh?



THURSDAY 10th October

Revolution, “Vodology” NuDisco, Electronic 80‘s & House with Dj Disco Dave.

Blues Bar, Live music with the Phil Dean Trio, free entry.

The Alexandra, Live music, free entry.

Rehab Nightclub, 2 floors: upstairs Flex R’n’B night with Dj Tex, downstairs Party Rock Anthems with Dj Trev, Free entry.

Viper Rooms Nightclub, Y.O.L.O. R’n’B night, door charge applies.

Moko Lounge Y.O.L.O. Pre Bar.

Christies Bar, Pub quiz with Sean McGrath.

FRIDAY 11th October.

White heart Hotel, mums Volunteer coffee morning Q&A.

The Blues Bar, live music from Dr. Blue.

Rehab Nightclub, “Electro Circus” dance Night downstairs, upstairs live music from Lence & Hell fire Jack, plus Dj cGi..

Moko Lounge nightclub, “Frat house Party”.

Zoso Bar, Union Street, “Vibe” House night with guest Djs.

Grape & Graze, Parliament Street, acoustic night.

SATURDAY 12th October

Boroughbridge Social, Darts Open competition, in aid of British Heart Foundation.

Bilton Working Mens Club, Live music from MG Band, free.

The Blues Bar, live music with Jed Thomas and his band, free. That is to say, free entry, not “with his band Free” as Jed is not in the band Free. Though that would be cool, and whilst I am TRYING HARD to just do this bit as listings without any of this nonsense, I felt that joke was too easy to put in the bit where the “jokes” are.

Moko Lounge nightclub, “Risque”, House music.

Revolution Bar, front bar Dj Tex (Soul & R’n’B), main room Disco Dave (upfront dance and chart) free entry.

Rehab nightclub, Rock music upstairs from Your Dj Pieman, Downstairs, dance music with Dj Wayne. Free entry.

Vipers Rooms Nightclub, Chart & house music, Dj Jay Collins upstairs, downstairs Dj Angel Lee playing guilty pleasures and feel good music, free entry before 11pm.

Christies Pub, Sean McGrath’s Cheesy disco.

SUNDAY 13th October

Rehab nightclub, Dj Trev taking time out from writing poorly to dj worsely. Requests and stuff.

Lure bar, Dj Competition.

Viper Room’s Nightclub, “Peek-a-boo” R’n’B night.

Blues Bar, live music, Resonation (afternoon) Mark Wynn (Evening)

Fat Badger , Cold Bath Road, Pub Quiz.

The Empress on The Stray, Pub Quiz.

The Alexandra Pub, Live music at the Sunday Soundcheck acoustic night.

MONDAY14th October

The Alexandra Pub Quiz, with Dj Pieman, and a roll over cash jackpot.

The Harlow Inn, Otley road, Pub Quiz.

Zoso Bar, Dj Max & Rum Chaser, house music.

Blues Bar, open mic session with Pete Oliver.

Moko Lounge nightclub, Karaoki.

TUESDAY15th October

The Tap n’ Spile pub, folk night.

The Blues Bar, Live music from world renown TBC.

Moko Lounge Nightclub, “Spent” main room upfront dance and electro, VIP Room Rock Box Rock night Dj Jaye Selway.

Revolution Bar, “Back to Rev’s” House Night, Dj’s Tex & Sixus.

Zoso Bar, Union Street, Electro Jam, open decks sesh.

WEDNESDAYS 16thOctober

On’t sofa presents a night of live music at Jakes, Oxford road. £8. Yo Preston, Dan cook & Jack Flash.

Rehab nightclub, Dj Piemanplaying party music.

The Blues Bar, live music from the Paul Middleton Angst band .


And now it’s over LIVE to our American (or possibly Mexican or Canadian or something) Reporter in the field, theatre correspondent Ashley… Hello Ash, Can you hear me???:

“Yee-Haaaw Y’all! Here’s some goddamn hellass cotton pickin’ listings for y’all’s little ol’ theatre right here in quaint spa town of Harrogerty!

Tonight, that being THURSDAY 10TH OCTOBER, The Studio Theatre has sketches songs and rootin’ tootin’ musical mash ups from 4 Screws Loose who have wowed audiences at The Edinburgh festival which is a quaint thing you have all the way down there in Scotlandshire. Following them in the Studio theatre is Jarred Christmas who you might recognize from the Pot Noodle adverts. You english sure eat some strange things, Pot Noodle? Black Pudding? Jellied tripe? Fish and Haggis? Blurgh? Excuse me whilst I eat this 300 pound burrito and side of nuclear chicken wings. And a bucket of pepsi.

Also on Thursday Jakes bar has heat 1 of the Comedian of the year contest, but I cant think of any stereotypical American things to say about that. At The Theatre in the Main house on Friday Jimeoin is on, who has been on Live at the Apollo and one of Michael McIntyre’s TV programmes, but by now you’re starting to remember that when you were at the theatre, a lot of the shows had sold out. I bet you wish you’d written down which ones now don’t you Trev? It’s all very well and good you trying (and failing) to do an humorous impression of an american (who is possibly mexican) but you can’t even remember which shows have sold out. That’s why no one reads this column. Nevertheless, as it goes, I think tickets for this one are still available. People who want to book tickets should probably call the theatre, on 01423502116. In America our numbers are a lot bigger. But I might be from Mexico.

On FRIDAY 11TH OCTOBER Daniel Simonsen is in the studio theatre, he supported Simon Anstell on his tour last year. Tickets are £12 and I cant help but feel you’re now just copying text straight out of the theatre’s guide book aren’t you, you goddamn sonofagun. Pam Ayres is playing The Royal Hall on Friday. In America, where I am possibly from, as alluded to earlier in this increasingly turgid slot, we don’t have nice old buildings like the Royal Hall, because as a country we’ve only been there for a few hundred years, hence when we visit England we love visiting all your proper quaint historical buildings like The Royal Hall, Stone Henge, Edinburgh Castel and Wemby FC. Also on Friday, and considerably funnier that this bit here, is Phil Jupitus at The Harrogate Theatre. But as you/I mentioned earlier, this might be sold out. Jakes Coffee shop has heat 2 of The Comedian of the year. In fact, whilst I’m on, heat 3 is there in Saturday.

Stewart Lee is a funny comedian and is playing The Royal Hall on SATURDAY 12TH OCTOBER. If you look at the photo of him in the Comedy festival programme he looks quite a bit like Graham Chalmers who writes for the Harrrogate Herald. Since I’m American, or at least from that continent, I probably think you are all related anyway. Also on Saturday is Jeremy Hardy in the Theatre Main House (He’s been on Radio 4‘s “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue” which, as a possible American, is a show I don’t really “get”). The Studio theatre, which is like, upstairs above the “Theatre” Theatre has 2 shows on, at 7.30pm (or 19.30 hours as we prefer) there’s Marcel Lucont who’s comedy french second name is only slightly more amusing that your repeated offensive Amarican stereotype jokes. After that there is Edward Aczel (21.30 hrs) both shows

are £12 a piece. Though I have NEVER heard an American use the term “A piece”. You do sometimes hear them use British terms like “bloody hell” and “we come in peace” but it’s never very convincing is it?

I sense you’ve run out of american “gags” now, so lets fast track some listings shall we yee-haw etc?

SUNDAY 13TH OCTOBER – Simon Munnery at the Studio theatre, Josh Widdicombe in the Main house.

MONDAY 14TH OCTOBER – Carl Donnely in the Studio, James Acasterin the Studio after him.

TUESDAY 15TH OCTOBER – Radio 1‘s tom Deacon is the Studio theatre followed by Andrew O’Neill. The Main House has Andy Parsons. He’s very funny isn’t he? However, it’s the same night as England’s final World Cup qualifier against Poland, so I suspect you are going to now do a joke about how we play football with pads on, and really its like rugby only it stops more? No, can’t think of one? Had enough of writing this rubbish for today? Ok, lets move on.

WEDNESDAY 16TH OCTOBER has the brilliant Ardal O’Hanlon on in the main house, ONCE again however, I would suspect you’ll need to ring ahead to make sure there are tickets left. Rob Beckett is in the Studio theatre, but he’s been on some good TV stuff too, so the same applies.

Well there you go you god-damn limey er, pom, scouser, or something, hope to see y’all soon”

…ooooh-kaaay thanks Ashley, more from her next week if she’s still speaking to me.


As well as this, sometimes when I can be bothered I write stuff at facebook.com/djtrevuk I’m pretty sure I did a blag/blog last week actually, though it was probably no good. Also not good are my “radio” style shows at mixcloud.com/djtrevuk and I’ve not done one of them for a couple of week, mainly because, as mentioned, they are not particularly good. Also, be very aware I swear unnecessarily on both of those formats, as really, I have little else to offer. As you have probably worked out by now. If you are still reading. Which you are almost certainly not…

Thanks for reading, drink responsibly and don’t be loose with your affections.

Trev x x x

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