Dj Trev’s guide to Nights of Cider-onism (this is a rather poor play on words of a Muse song title. If you didn’t know that, go listen to Muse : Knights of Cydonia, it is probbers their bestest ever song)
Right, I’m at Download big corporate festival this weekend; for those who don’t know what big corporate festivals are, they are places people can go to pay 200 pounds to stand in a field and get rained on, whilst some bands play music that you can’t really hear. Whilst admittedly this doesn’t sound too much fun, you can treat yourself to the finest rat burgers that you can buy for 8 pounds, and wash it down with warm low quality larger with a free side portion of fly. Actually, this is beginning to sound like esome of the better nights I’ve run. Nevertheless, the fact that I’m at this festival means that I really need to spend the time I SHOULD spend on writing this column doing other things, like packing wet wipes and changes of underwear should any of the grey meat & body temperature alcohol combo’s move south quicker than expected. So this weeks “Dirty Stop’s Out” will be a slightly truncated affair, punctuated with pointless drivel about what I’LL be doing at DOWNLOAD whilst you’re out in HARROGATE.
THURSDAY 13th June
I’ve decided to not join people who clearly don’t have proper jobs (because Djing is a proper job, no matter how much my careers adviser laughed at me at school) and not go down to the festival 3 days early. This is due to two things:
- Me not being able to think of many things worse than sitting in a field full of heavy metal fans with their ghetto blasters competing to play the oldest most cliched selection of 13 year old Nu-Metal songs at 4 in the morning whilst their mates prove their effortless sense of pure hilarity by shouting TIMMAY! Every 2 minutes (Nb, the same happens at hippy festivals with slight differences, namely substitute the ghetto blaster playing Disturbed for some ponce with an acoustic guitar forcing it down peoples throats whilst his mates prove their effortless sense of pure hilarity by shouting TIMMAY! Every 2 minutes.)
- Me not wanting to let down my hardcore faithful fan base of 2 people who come to watch me play at rehab on Thursdays. Which leads me nicely on to what’s happening in Harrogate.
I’m playing at Rehab to two people and thinking I could be getting drunk in a field with some really awesome people and their amazing selection of old, old albums. Dj Tex is upstairs at Rehab, with all the customers.
The Alexandra has a Doors tribute band called The Doors Alive playing, whilst The Resonators are at the Blues Bar.
Viper rooms has their R’n’B night on called Y.O.L.O.
FRIDAY 14th June
As you wake up to go to another sucky grindy day at work, where it’s Friday so you don’t try particularly hard and you probably go home early to avoid the traffic, I will meanwhile be living the dream by spending a frustrating and bewildering 4 hours traipsing all my camping gear the inexplicable 7 miles between the festival camping, and the festival car park. The parking for which they have cheerfully agreed to charge a mere T.W.E.N.T.Y.F.I.V.E.P.O.U.N.D.S. for. Then, once I get to the campsite, around about the same time as you are having a cup of coffee and a bun at work whilst flirting with Deborah from accounts, I’ll be finding out that the only camping space left is in that suspicious looking puddle leaking out of the back of the 20 portaloos that have to serve the 15,000 people in my particular camping arena. However, I will notice that I can’t see any ghetto blasters or GODDAMN acoustic guitars poking out of any of the surrounding tents, so I’ll settle. Later in the evening I’ll be seeing Slipknot, who are the only reason I’m going. This will only be slightly marred by the fact that will be the only point of the weekend that it starts to really rain, turning the ground into a morass of glue like filth.
Meanwhile in HARROGATE:
Geek pub quiz puts in it’s monthly appearance at Retro, a night that comes highly recommended by all it’s regulars.
The Revolator band are playing at the Blues bar tonight, whilst Blazin’ Fiddles are on at The Harrogate Theater this Friday. These chaps come from the Highlands and Islands of Scotland and according to The Scotsman are the Led Zepplin of the folk world. I can’t really give it any higher recommendation than this can I? This looks really cool.
Rehab, Viper Rooms, Revolution and Moko Lounge all offer clubbing options to start the weekend. Rest assured no matter how much you are paying for your drinks, there are about 70,000 people in a field in Donnington paying much much more, for much much warmer drinks.
SATURDAY 15th June
Another frustrating day for you, because it’s the first time you’ve had opportunity to put up that damn shelf, which will take you about 7 minutes once you get started. Meanwhile I’ll have already been queuing up for 2 hours to use the toilets, and once I get there I will be faced with something that once no doubt WAS a toilet, but is not a 3 foot pile of JESUS why am I even going to this? After that, I’ll spend some long time trying to use my remaining 3 wet wipes to get the utter utter feeling of dirty off me. This won’t work, but fortunately will prevent me from being able to eat all day, saving me something in the region of several hundereds of pounds. Iron Maiden will be good though. Until someone taller than me (everyone) stands in front of me.
There is a Reggae night on at Zoso tonight which looks pretty good, it features the Unity Reggae Band, along side (I think reggae types would say ‘longside) Lence, plus a 2 Tone & Ska Dj until the early hours. Everywhere else seems to be business as usual, Jed Thomas Blues band are back at The Blues Bar, Viper Rooms and Moko Lounge are open for nightclubbing though there is a door charge, whilst Rehab and Revolution are free to get in.
SUNDAY 16th June
By this stage, I will be thinking about not drinking, driving home straight after Rammestein. The people who I’m with will be hoping I do this (I won’t, I’ll get the beer shakes around 10.30am), for two reasons; firstly, they also would like to go home to the sweet sweet luxury of a toilet that doesn’t display 50 shades of Brown, but secondly and more importantly, this would mean they have 24 hours less of my complaining to listen to. The highlight of the Sunday will be, whilst you are sitting down to a traditional Sunday roast, me, sheltering under a wet bin bag from the freakish golf ball sized hail stones that always seem to be aimed directly for my eyes, stuffing down a luke warm burger that costs approximately the same as a decent pair of trainers and has a similar texture. However, after a weekend of not really eating anything, mans best friend will never have tasted so good.
Bruise are at The Blues in the afternoon and their evening session has Pepperjam. The Fat Badger runs their pub quiz on Sundays, and in the world of clubbing, Viper Rooms has Peek-a-boo, and Dj Pieman is covering for me up at rehab, so that should be much better than usual.
MONDAY 17th June
Today shall be mostly spent packing up my tent, trying to pretend as I pull up the pegs that I totally didn’t hear at least 16 people urinate against it last night, and also trying to convince my self that that sick down the side of it is my sick. Which I know it’s not. All this will be done much earlier in the morning than I’d like to do it, because my friends who I’m driving home will have woke me up at the crack of GOD-DAMN dawn, so that they can be asleep the very second we get onto the M1 for the 2 hour drive. In the sweltering sun, that’s finally turned up.
Zoso have Tom Kellet’s open mic night and Pete Oliver likewise presents an open-mic at The Blues Bar. Dj Pieman’s Pub Quiz runs every Monday at The Alexandra, and for a later option Moko has their Monday night Karaoki on until some crazy hour.
TUESDAY 18th June
After getting a flat tyre on the way back from DOWNLOAD I will get home around 3 am on Tuesday and spend all day in the toilet.
About Town play at the Blues Bar this Tuesday but other than that is business as usual so I can do my usual cheap trick of copying and pasting what I’ve written for Tuesdays for the last X weeks.
There is the Folk night at the Tap n’ Spile every Tuesday, but if you couldn’t give a folk about that, at the club end of the spectrum Moko has a night two rooms, one with Jay Selway’s Rock Box and the other with a really good commercial DJ doing good upfront stuff. I didn’t see who it was playing when I was in there but both rooms were playing good stuff. Jay also runs Rock Box pub night at the Regency.
The Electro Jam continues at Zoso on Tuesdays and is a nice night out. They seem to rotate the Djs more often now so if you don’t like what one jock is doing you don’t have to wait long for another to be on. Hardcore Dave plays some hardcore too, which is something you don’t get enough of in Harrogate, so mad props to him and all the Harrogate Hardcrew. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Agian.
WEDNESDAYS 19th June
Paul Middletons sweary growly Angst Band play the Blues on Wednesdays and just as sweary and angsty is Dj Pieman who plays at Rehab each Wednesday.
Meanwhile, by this time I will have somehow convinced myself I had a great time at DOWNLOAD right up until I decide to open my wallet and I discover that I swapped my emergeny £100 for 3“ magic beans”.
SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION
Harrogatealternativeradio.co.uk let’s me play some songs and talk on Saturdays 10pm to midnight and again again on Thursdays at 2pm, this week I am presenting a “holiday holding” show, which is somewhat different to what I normally play, in that it is going to be a show of solid Holiday guilty pleasure type tracks. I think I’m going make them play that show whenever I’m on holiday, so I’d better make it EXTRA rubbish hadn’t I? If, for some ungodly reason you miss that, you can listen to old shows I done on line at mixcloud.com/djtrevuk, some of them are actually not that poor. Most of them are however.
I do swear a bit on my show, plus I swear like flippin crud on facebook.com/djtrev so avoid it if you are easily offended, or too young to read this in the first place.
Thanks for reading, drink responsibly and don’t be loose with your affections.
Trev x x x